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9 things to know before dating German men

What’s it like dating German men?

Having lived half a decade in Deutschland I’ve had my fair share of experiences – some grand, others regrettable – and can offer, cautiously, a Yankee perspective on the general question that will have generalized answers*. So please forgive (and indulge) me.

9 things to know before dating German men


1. 
Equality above chivalry
If you want an equal partnership – make Germany your first port of call. Here, all’s fair in love and equality. Rent and restaurant bills are split down the middle. You’ll seldom find doors held open for women. And it is extremely rare that a man will offer you the last seat on public transport. (Seriously. You’d be amazed at how many times I’ve seen pregnant women left standing).

deutschland, Germany, German men, German soccer team, German football team, Lucas Podolski, Thomas Mueller, Thomas Muller, Sebastian Schweinsteiger, Lahm, Neuer, Mesut Ozil, Sam Khedira

2. Personalities: East vs. West vs. Bavaria
Just as American Northerners scoff at Southerners, Germany has its own regional rivalries and personalities. Here it is in three very broad brush strokes:

West Germans: They believe they come from the best part of Germany – and many are afraid to go in the eastwardly direction (fear of neo-nazis, lack of infrastructure, all the stereotypes). Educated but often arrogant individuals. As a German ex of mine said, “We are America’s rich son-in-law.” Only a West German would say that nonsense.

East Germans: the metaphorical step sister to West Germany’s post-war Cinderella story. Since shortly before the fall of the Berlin Wall, they grew up with the perception that West Germany is more desirable, more sophisticated, and the one that every hot economy wants to date. But with that insecurity comes a personality that, in my opinion from having briefly worked in the East, is more tender, down-to-earth, and my personal favorite: quiet.

Can you guess where this MTV Germany host Joko Winterscheidt is from? Duh. West Germany. And I can verify that he is a tool.

Can you guess where MTV Germany host Joko Winterscheidt is from? West Germany. The picture here makes it oh-so-obvious.

Bavarians: Consider this group the German equivalent of America’s conservative South: deeply rooted in tradition, laden with gentlemen, and no one can understand what they’re saying with their thick accent.

Berliners: The wild card; a cocktail of West and East Germans.

3. Be direct and open to direct comments
No one can mind read, but here’s why it won’t bode particularly well in Germany: Die Deutsche Leute are direct – and they expect a well crafted communication style in return. If you say: “Everything is fine.” Then baby, everything is fine.  They will tell you how they feel without any coaxing, and you ought to do the same.

Tip: If you lack talent in expressing your feelings (like me), you should stick to native English speakers who can interpret – and register –  the art of passive aggression.

4. Sex is…
My friends’ responses on sex usually depend on their relationship status: Those who are blissfully dating will say it’s great, but nothing mind-blowing; those who have moved on say it’s anticlimactic and lacks sensuality; while the bitter broads compare it to German engineering: efficient, practical, but above all – quick.

However the above isn’t entirely fair. Major German cities are known for boasting both mainstream and underground sex and fetish clubs that are sure to house men that would make Christian Grey look like a timid schoolboy. So if kink’s your calling, these places are beckoning.

5. Cheap heap
In the expat community, Germans are known for being tight. Case and point: I know of a groom that once ordered Chinese delivery for his wedding reception dinner AND made guests pay for it. Another groom had friends work without pay at his reception to cut costs, effectively sidelining them from the celebrations (Note: both instances took place in West Germany). I could write short stories on anecdotes like this.

Counting coins

So ladies: if you’re at dinner and try to pull the fake “reach” for the bill stunt, you better be ready to follow through. The same goes for offers on drinks, paying for cabs, movies, [insert anything of monetary value here].  In Germany, humility does not call for a polite refusal at the first offer.

6. No relationship defining
When dating Germans, there are no formal discussions on “going steady” or relationship titles. But for those desperate to gauge, here’s my own unproven barometer to help guide:

  • Three dinners or more = you’re dating. If he pays, you’re dating and he’s moving mountains.
  • Sleeping over five times or more = you’re in a relationship. (Exception: if he already directly said he does NOT want anything serious. All men mean it when they say that; don’t try to change him).
  • Moving in together = you’re in a serious relationship. Weddings and babies might be discussed informally, but it doesn’t necessarily mean marriage is on the table. Don’t ever forget it.
  • Marriage = the proposal may be the first time you have ‘the talk’.

7. Know your politics
Germans love a good political debate and it’s impressive how much they know, or at the very least are curious, about current events. You’ll also find it refreshing to go beyond the Red State, Blue State rhetoric by having civilized debates based on reason rather than emotion.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel with Hilary Clinton

German Chancellor Angela Merkel with Hilary Clinton

8. No sarcasm
Don’t believe what you hear, Germans do have a good sense of humor – just more deadpan than slapstick. But if you want to be funny do avoid sarcasm because it won’t register with Germans unless they are exceptionally fluent.

Tip: Germans tend to prefer British wit (think Monty Python) to the crass American humor (think – actually, don’t think – of Bridesmaids sink defecation scene).

Boateng Brothers: The Berlin-born Jérôme (right) and Kevin-Prince (left) are a fine sight.

Boateng Brothers: The Berlin-born Jérôme (right) and Kevin-Prince (left) are a fine sight.

9. They’re a good secret to have
A German acquaintance once said: “We German men are hard to figure out. But if we let you in, you have a great secret all to yourself.”

He’s right. German partners are mainly interested in you. They don’t catcall on the streets. They don’t blatantly flirt with other girls and they don’t eye harass other women (at least not when you’re around, anyway). Germans may seem rough and direct, others wholly reserved – but once you break through that tough, beautiful exterior, you’ve earned their trust. And you’ll find a side that is sensitive, loveable, and indeed – a secret worth keeping.

*Disclaimer: Of course there are many exceptions. Relax. This is light hearted love on well-known stereotypes. 

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77 thoughts on “9 things to know before dating German men

  1. Sandy says:

    I am an American woman dating a German man. The comments here are pretty accurate with small differences as exceptions. I met my guy online as the only woman that responded to his solicitation. He had no information on his site but was sending greetings to ladies of his choice via email. As the only one to respond, I tried to teach him how to navigate the site so he could get a better response by putting more info on his web page. After two or three calls to try to help him make corrections on his site, he told me he didn’t need to make corrections. I told him he had to if he wanted women to answer his attempts. His response was Classic German……he said,” I don’t need other women. I have you!” We have been an item ever since.
    I too wondered just how interested he may have been in me because he wasn’t (and still isn’t) outspoken about his intentions but it doesn’t take a genius to know he’s very interested by inviting me to meet his family in Germany for a six week visit after he invited me to visit him in a nearby city where he was working. He got a new hotel room with two beds and was hospitable without any flirtatiousness at first. He paid for every dinner. He opened every door. Insisted I order first. Took me shopping and paid for a welding helmet my son needed for welding school. (Not a cheap item at $200) He asked me to lay with him one night in his bed as we went to sleep arm in arm. Then the next night, he made love to me without ever saying a word to give me an idea of his feelings what-so-ever. He did tell me once that I looked very nice.
    So as you can see, my experience with him is not cold, stingy or lacking in chivalry, but he has yet to say to me once how he feels. His actions are more than enough. It’s my opinion that he expects me to be smart enough to know how he feels by his actions and if I can’t see that, I’m too stupid for him to bother with. The funny thing is that I totally agree. Lol!!!!
    Granted, I was sure to let him know of my interest on our first night together (although in separate beds) by giving him a massage before we went to sleep. I gave him a massage the next morning too before he went to work without encouraging him to be late. I respected his time frame and kept him within the preset boundaries of his schedule to show I respected him and his efforts at work. I am also a punctual person by nature which he appreciates. I am not political but I correct for that by encouraging him to speak his mind on the subject and I simply interject when I have an opinion. He enjoys dominating the conversation and being strongly opinionated. I encourage this behavior since it is a turn on to me. I prefer a strong personality as opposed to a quieter one that registers as weaker to me. I am a strong personality and very outspoken. He respects that in me and we seem to match very well without offending each other.
    Without coming straight out by saying it…..he gave me a good idea of his intentions by telling me about the protocols of his culture concerning relationship. First, he said, you graduate from school, then you get a job, then you get a house then you get a wife. A house always comes before a wife. At present, he lives in hotels due to his job demanding him to travel but soon after we met and before he made love to me, he began shopping for a house and wanted me to help him choose one by looking for him, sending him pics of the ones I liked so he could then choose from the ones I liked. He never once asked if I would live with him. He simply told me to help him pick a house that “we” would both enjoy. He will understand my interest in his proposition by my active participation in the house hunting or my indifference and lack of the same. I won’t have to say it. He will see it by my behavior.
    So, as you can see, it’s not hard to know what’s on his mind. We as Americans have simply become spoiled by having everything spelled out for us. He not only is interested, but is wanting to spend his life with me, and by the way he made love to me that night, is very in love and will make me very happy. He’s a definite keeper!!!!
    I am not so weak in my self esteem that I need a man flattering me all the time. I prefer action over words any day! Viva La Germany!!!!

    • American girl says:

      Thank you for sharing this, I am going to German in June to visit what I pray will turn into somthing serious. He is coming to the US (which I appreciate so much) to help me get through customs and navigate the airports. Your so right about spelling things out. Us Americans expect things to be spelled out. It is intresting sometimes he asks me if I can spell things (not sure if it’s because of different meanings or he is testing me or trying to know where I stand in the relationship?)

      But your right if we can’t read between the lines and not over an think things and worry, we have no bussiness being in that relationship. Onever thing he does also make a point to tell me how beautiful I am, and is so spontaneous (like buying flowers for memorials and me).

      Also, we talk about marriage and children informally alot. I know he wants children an discuss shocked to hear about the lack of prenatal and post natal care that US offers for women.

      His job is really demanding too as he travels, but constantly tells me he uses his hotel for sleeping only (not prostitutes or other women).

      Just by reading your post, he wants to engage in somthing more with you than boyfriend and girlfriend. Asking you to shop for a house is a big deal to germans. He eventually (if all goes as planned) want you to live there with you. He wants you to find a place where you will be happy and thrive.

      • Nettie Lovejoy says:

        Wow..Sandy..you have answered all my questions in one reply.
        I have been talking online to a german man for over a week..2nd time talking he tells me it is just us now..him and me..every one else can go-on the date site..i live in Australia him in Berlin…i asked him out for a cup of coffee..knowing full well he wouldn’t come living so far away (meant it to be a joke) ..not really expecting anything to come of it..he has the most beautiful smile..a smile i could look at for the rest of my life..and yes..all those things about their nature you are spot on and i havn’t even met him yet..have to respect his work time..a man of very little words but says heaps…very sure of a future together..one week..omg..works 6 days a week and goes to church (my favourite thing).and i find i’m daydreaming about him now..he says a long distance relationship can be romantic and secure and also make each other long for each other..its working for sure..first timer for me..and very strong accent..hard to understand when talking on phone.totally opposite to an Australian man..not interested in sex or mention of it..in Australia men want it first date or talk about it anyway..this german man..is so so very very different. .but im up for the challenge. .i really don’t want to lose him now..he is so so sweet without even realizing it…i think im going to have to study a whole lot about germany today..thankyou for your insights..Nettie

      • Nettie Lovejoy says:

        Are all Berliners traveling businessmen..he travels constantly. .being first time for a long distance relationship. .am realizing it is going to have its downs..any suggestions for me to keep myself not so jealous i suppose..not really knowing this man in real..as it is just online at the moment. .and he sounds lovly..perfect but very very different to the way i was brought up..

    • Jessica Nicole says:

      I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS STORY! Thank you for sharing. We have a lot in common with our German men. May you have a beautiful future together.

    • Nettie says:

      Wow..Sandy..you have answered all my questions in one reply.
      I have been talking online to a german man for over a week..2nd time talking he tells me it is just us now..him and me..every one else can go-on the date site..i live in Australia him in Berlin…i asked him out for a cup of coffee..knowing full well he wouldn’t come living so far away (meant it to be a joke) ..not really expecting anything to come of it..he has the most beautiful smile..a smile i could look at for the rest of my life..and yes..all those things about their nature you are spot on and i havn’t even met him yet..have to respect his work time..a man of very little words but says heaps…very sure of a future together..one week..omg..works 6 days a week and goes to church (my favourite thing).and i find i’m daydreaming about him now..he says a long distance relationship can be romantic and secure and also make each other long for each other..its working for sure..first timer for me..and very strong accent..hard to understand when talking on phone.totally opposite to an Australian man..not interested in sex or mention of it..in Australia men want it first date or talk about it anyway..this german man..is so so very very different. .but im up for the challenge. .i really don’t want to lose him now..he is so so sweet without even realizing it…i think im going to have to study a whole lot about germany today..thankyou for your insights..Nettie

  2. Melissa says:

    Thank you for your story.I just met a German man online&he seems to be a great guy,been chatting w/him since Fri ,labor day weekend &he has not yet talked about having sex,he has told me how beautiful I am &of course a woman always digs that..he lives 3hrs from me but I’m willing to make that drive to see what I’m getting into w/him.He’s a very nice looking man&seems to be a ‘gentleman .’What really makes me attracted to him is that he doesn’t talk about sex,but he has talked about cuddling&that was just yesterday. ..thank you again for your story,it gavee a better look on my situation.

  3. Mel says:

    Love this article. I met my German 6 years ago when he was on a working holiday in my native, Australia. It took nearly a year of working together and friendship before he made a move and in the 5 years we’ve been together we’ve still never had a “relationship talk” 🙂 he is smart, well educated, and has an incredible sense of humour (very dry). He is a walking contradiction sweet & sensitive yet hard & firm, serious yet playful, passionate yet indifferent, out spoken & opinionated yet can spend hours even days lost in his own thoughts. The first time I visited Germany to meet his family and friends we took a camping trip to the Alps. I commented that he was like the Mountains. Beautiful but scary, light and dark, warm and cold. He just smiled at me shrugged and said “they’re just mountains.” 5 years on he’s still Mein Bergmann (my mountain man) my solid, my steady, my constant, my unmovable rock, loyal to his very core.
    German men, no longer the worlds best kept secret 😉

    • S.Burnett says:

      “They’re just mountains.” Ha! I love your story, Mel, (I laughed out loud at parts) and am so pleased to hear that an Aussie gal found her Bergmann. And I’ve a sneaky feeling he’s happy Abbott is gone! 😉

  4. Lois says:

    Wow, loved this article, really helped me to understand a German I’ve been dating off and on for over 4 years. Because of my inability to read him, I took our relationship directly to the friend zone, and he got into a relationship with another woman, which for some reason made me jealous. Then he relocated for a few years, meanwhile, I’ve had one disastrous relationship after another, so remained single. When he relocated back to our city (we’re both expats in the gulf) he contacted me via email to meet for drinks. I would always sort of blow him off, because he never made a romantic gesture, going out with him was like hanging out with a friend, and I wanted to more. I finally went out with him for drinks, and decided to open up more, realizing that I was just as closed as he was, holding on to my own southern old fashioned ideals, that the man should make the first move. I just boldly asked him if he was attracted to me, and his reply was of course, you’re a very beautiful woman..so I asked why he never tried to kiss me..he read my “playing hard to get” southern woman ethics as rejection. So realizing our cultural misunderstanding, I basically told him it was okay to kiss me, without saying it..and when he did..OMG, he moved mountains, never been kissed like that in my life..and I’ve dated all the so-called romantic nationalities..Spanish, Italians, etc..but no kiss as gentle, passionate, and memorable as the one with this German. i wanted to rip his clothes off..but being a reserved Southern girl, I restrained myself. But now all I can do is day dream about this man day and night..thinking I was a fool to allow all these years pass, because i’ve just learned that he is relocating again..and his response to me was..Why do you wait until now to start this…

  5. Kass says:

    I have a question. I’ve read somewhere else and based on comments here that when dating a German guy I shouldn’t expect a label on the relationship anytime soon. Do you think that it would be fine if I date around with other guys until I have assurance that he wants to be in a steady relationship? Of course, he’ll know about me dating but will this be something offensive?

    • S.Burnett says:

      Thanks for reaching out, Kass. There’s several things to consider. For starters, whose turf are you on? Is Herr German in your area, or are you in Germany dating? If the former, carry on as you are. But more importantly, if you’re honest about your expectations early on (ie. you’re dating others) no matter where you are, he’ll be receptive to that and appreciate the honesty. I will give a personal anecdote: When I lived in Germany I spent time with a local lad (Germans and most Europeans hate the phrase “date”, so I say “spend time”) for several days – we played sports together and I ate at his place a couple times. I then left the country for a couple weeks for some meetings, and had some “fun”, and mentioned it to him casually a week or two after my return to Germany. He was hurt, but not offended. And that’s where we talked about what he wanted (which was something more serious) and I decided to go along that route. That being said, I’ve had flings where a German guy doesn’t mind that you’re dating others, but prefers that you keep the details to yourself. Unfortunately, or even thankfully, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Good luck, and keep us posted!

  6. I met my German man on tender when he was in town for work. We didn’t hook up in the traditional sense instead we went to lunch yes he made me pay my half which was a little disconcerting. The next day we went out for drinks and he we drink a lot of wine and he pay for all of that which I was surprised on the following day he came over and I made breakfast and he helped. And he said we get along very easily it’s very easy don’t you think? So after that he went back to Germany and we were friends through whatsapp now we did like each other at the time and made out but I just figured well he’s in Germany will be friends. It turned out we will whatsapp each other every other day me and it was a brief meeting in person but we stay in contact and somehow we fell into being friends very easily. I had dated other people he had dated a quote crazy french girl and quote he was going to come back to the US to meet some girl he met in Philly but then one day he had a revelation. In typical German style straight no chaser he says I think you and I get along very good I like talking to you I feel that I can tell you everything about me and it feels better than with the other girl. Then he went on to say that when he was here visiting the US with me he was still involved with the previous girl and he realized that he was not paying attention to who was right in front of him. We do have a lot in common and we get along very easily so he decided that he would like to meet me again when he comes to the US so we are going to meet in Chicago for New Years Eve it’s pretty romantic I hope it goes well he has his German issues and peculiarities but I’m also pretty direct person so plus he’s super gorgeous I mean model gorgeous

  7. AmericanGirl says:

    You are absolutely hilarious!! Thank you for this amusing guide and the nuggets of truth!! Your observations and interpretations are very well written and made me literally laugh out loud and slap my knees in public!

      • Anonymous says:

        I am a German Samoan so yeah
        I met my German when..
        Well actually we were childhood friends!
        It all started when my family and I went to the playground (P.S I’m in NZ). I went on a web swing and asked my sister if she could push me (yeah I was such a lazy 10 yr old). Goddamn my sister pushed my so high.. I fell of the swing and kicked someone in the face and landed on something (or someone) hard and solid.
        I looked to see a tall muscular blond with blue eyes
        He. Is. So. Hot
        He basically looks like a freaking god. A GOD
        I fangirled until I saw him glare at me

        He still hot tho
        Anyways
        I said sorry and he smiled and we started talking
        I kinda felt sorry for him cuz my big bro gave him the evil eyes the whole time we were talking.
        A few years came along and he asked me to meet him at the park where we first met so I got ready and drove off.
        At the park we sat under a tree
        We talked and laughed
        And he started leaning in . I did the same and we. Kissed!
        But unfortunately we saw a bright light and laughing. We saw his older brother taking a picture of us!
        He chased his older bro as I ate the potato and wurst he made for us.
        The end

  8. Dani says:

    It’s odd how accurate a lot of this is. I met my German guy last January online. Although we didn’t really start talking until August when I showed him a German tank engine I got, we’re both into trains. We only started getting closer a few months ago, I was going through a tough time and he was there for me. It was then that my feelings for him began to change, that and his voice is amazing. I love his rolled ‘R’. He literally has no German accent speaking English, except on certain syllables. He sounds like he’s from England or Scotland.
    I eventually found out that he liked me too, though he didn’t show it at all. The only hint I got of his intentions was when I told him I was considering living in Germany that he would be “very” happy to help me integrate into the country. We eventually confessed our interest in each other and, after some discussion since he’s in Germany and I’m in the US, we got together the day before Christmas Eve, quite a nice present I think.
    He is reserved, but can be opinionated. He loves politics and while I don’t know a lot about the happenings within Germany, we’re able to discuss what’s going on in the US. He has trouble voicing his feelings but has no trouble telling me he loves me. He does have a thing for being orderly and upholding rules although he won’t admit it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve suggested something and he’ll worry about getting in trouble. He is loving and supportive with a thing for classic romance, a contrast to the seemingly cold and reserved trait that’s often placed on the Germans. He’s there for me when I need him and will comfort me when I desperately need it. He’s moved mountains like no other man I’ve been with.
    He’s also been teaching me German and I know call him “mein Schnucki.” I plan on seeing him this summer and am hopeful for our future despite the distance. He makes me so happy it’s almost hard to believe!
    It seems that even German men like chocolate.

    • Mae says:

      Thank you for sharing your story I too am from the U.S. and I love older guys even though I’m only 15 so around 16-18 is my dating range and recently I saw that a guy texted me on kik saying hey and I looked at him and didn’t find him attractive but so I just accepted his request and said like the casual hey how are you and asking for basic info and I found out he was 17 and was from Germany and mamaw has told me about how she lived in Germany as a kid but it’s very vague since she was so young but as we started talking I felt different about him he was very kind and he always said how I was stunning or that he liked my hair and eyes and even tho he’s used the word sexy before he likes stunning better which is amazing bc u.s. boys hardly never say simple sweet words like stunning. But even tho we’ve only talked for a few days I can feel that he’s different then the other LDR (long distance relationship) I’ve had even tho were not dating we say love you to each other and he always in on time with texting me at the same time at night and we have names for each other and he has said that it would be amazing to date me BC I live politics and can definitely hold my spot in a convo about it.he is open about his feeling kind of but I love that about him and he definitely isn’t afraid to say I love you!!!! So I’m hoping to move there when I’m older bc to me hands down German men are better than U.S. men.

  9. aula says:

    Will somebody please explain the NON DIRECTNESS of German men? Sure, they will tell you when you have broken some “rule” they have–eventually. But the two I have dated are like donkeys–they just refuse to give information. Something bothers them and they won’t say why. They keep their cards close to their vest.

    • Dr rainbow says:

      My first encounter with a German man was in medical school – I’d always heard Germans were frank and direct…and well, he was all that, commenting that he was interested if his friend wasn’t. In hindsight I should have gone for the German; witty, handsome, tall, nice physique…but years later I may have never met my current German boyfriend with whom we have one son. He a cop and me a dr who would have thought we’d be a top match. He’s your typical frank and direct man and yet he displays emotion not by action but by words. He has a sense of humor that is admirable and he is unashamedly a gentleman who invariably opens doors, give flowers, a kiss on the cheek upon greeting and never ceases to amaze me on his candidness about how he feels and about us. Being away from him now for more than a few months confides in me about things that worry him and could not be more open about his undying love for me. I love this man and could not be more happy. My advice for dating Germans is don’t pussy foot around or they will move on, be direct and non sarcastic. If you like him/her tell her upfront and if you find yourself splitting bills then consider yourself a friend. As a suspicious people you’ll need to reciprocate the frankness and candidness.or they will think you are using them for citizenship, a flight, a dinner etc.

  10. Laura says:

    Hello 🙂

    Well, I was thinking you could probably help me with this, I met a German guy online, and after two day we couldn’t stop chatting with each other, when I woke up the first thing I did was wrtiye to him for hours until it was like 3-4 am there and he had to sleep, and we were like that for months(all this was in the last summer) but I had to go to the college and sometimes I skip it so I could write all day Long, but when he started to go to college, he didn’t answer me that much :/ and less and less and all changed from one day to other and I felt like I wasn’t important for him anymore, (at the beginning I saw him as friend but weeks later he told me he liked me and I was in shock and then I felt the same for him as well) so I told him that if he didn’t want to talk with me anymore it would be good and he said he didn’t want to stop talking with me 🙁 but also said that when summer ended everything had to go back to normal, and months later I regret my decision and asked him to be my friend again and he said yes, but he doesn’t talk with me if I don’t send him a message first.
    And I miss him, but I don’t want to beg him or anything similar, what can I do? I asked him what was the problem and he said there wasn’t any, but I don’t trush him a lot because he never liked to Skype with me or call me and rather told me lies or excuses (we Skype like twice so he is real :p) please help me, I miss my friend a lot, two months ago I sent him a letter telling him how much I sorry for ended our friendship.

    • S.Burnett says:

      Hi Laura,

      Thanks for sharing your story! To start, it’s worth reflecting on what you want. Do you want to only a platonic relationship with him? Are you wanting something more? These are two important questions to consider. If the former, what are your expectations of your friendship? Long-distance friendships are also hard, and require a lot of support and patience. I’m not sure how long he’s been in college, but it may be worth waiting for him to settle down into this new life before getting too frustrated. And even after he’s settled in, if it’s only a platonic friendship you’re after, hold him up to the same standards as you would any other girlfriend or gentleman you see as ‘just a friend’. Your German friend may be hesitant at being so forthcoming in friendly outreach because it was ended on your accord, so he may be treading carefully. That’s not your fault by any means, it’s no one’s fault, but it’s one possible – and natural – reaction on his end. Give it some time.

      If you’re wanting something more than a friendship, the great thing about Germans is that they respect you asking questions up front – and won’t hold it against you. Simply ask him, more or less: ‘Hey schöner Mann, I’ve really come to value this friendship we have and in the process, I have developed feelings for you. There’s no pressure on your end, but I was wondering if you feel the same. Regardless, I still value what we have now – but thought it worth you knowing how I felt.’ But be prepared for an answer you may not like, and if you still want him in your life as a friend (and he’s willing) – be ready to stand by his answer and move forward with him as a friend. If you don’t want to be friends with him, make sure it’s a decision you want beforehand – and not one made for feeling scorned. And then babes, it’s onward and upwards from here. There’s plenty of more German men around who’ll appreciate your time and investment in him.

      Good luck! And let us know how it goes.

      S.

  11. Kanwal says:

    Its quite interesting to see the replies here. I will tell you my story . Iam from India and I met this German man online. We started talking on watsapp. I met him 2 months ago online but never in person. Hes a cardiologist and is in Sydney right now. At first after our few talks he asked me to skype but I cudnt as my webcam wasnot working. He got pissed off and called me a fake and blocked me from everywhere. I was ok with it as I hadnt developed any feelings for him. But after 15 days all of a sudden he popped up again and apologised for his silly behaviour, I forgave him and since then we are in touch almost everyday. We skype, we watsapp and we even talk on fone. He is visiting India this monthend and we are planning to meet. However last weel hasnt gone good. We hardly had any conversation for the past last week. Although he called and apologised 3 days back and said he is very busy with work and by the end of the day he gets tired alot. I am quite understanding about it. But lately I feel I have started to develop feelings for him. And I am not sure if he is at the same level too. Although he has often said he likes me and he thinks Iam cute and all. But that doesnt serve the purpose. I am quite confused here. We talk about everything. We talk about how was our day at work, what did we eat at dinner, daily chores and yeah sex too. We do have sex on skype. But I am still not sure. Is it that Iam expecting alot or Iam just rushing into things.

  12. Adrian says:

    In a German man and just came to see what my partner goes through. I can say most is pretty true especially the West German thing of course me being of a West German family I was always thought them dirty and poor.

  13. Atika says:

    Hello 🙂

    Thank you for sharing, this article and all the stories here are just lighten me up about a German man. I’ve spent yesterday afternoon chatting with a German man online and I just knew I like him already. From the way he talked and gave his opinions I knew that he is a smart guy and seems like a gentlemen. And one thing that make me enjoy the conversation was he didn’t talk about sex at all, not even lead me to talk about it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk about it but bringing it on the first time conversation is not a good idea for me. He really knows how to say things. He knows exactly how to respond me.
    If only I found this article before yesterday, maybe I would keep his contact and talk more. If only I knew that they won’t openly ask for something, I WOULD ask his other social media to keep in touch. From the article and all the stories above, I don’t know why but I think this is the kind of a man that I wanna live my life with.

  14. MJ says:

    Hey! Loved this!
    I definitely agree that Germans aren’t really open with their emotions. I met a German guy about a month ago when I was there on vacation! To be honest, after we talked I really didn’t think it would go anywhere since we’re in different continents. I’m in Africa, he’s in Europe. He asked for my contacts and we’ve been talking everyday ever since. I really don’t know how this will go and I’ve decided to just go with the flow. The closest hing he’s come to share any sort of feelings was saying “I really like talking to you”. Anyway I really like him and I’m so glad I took up German for four semesters in Uni.
    *Hoping for the best*

  15. HEY

    Thanks so much for all your replies.its quite educating . i need help and from what i have read here it seems Germans have similar altitudes . i met a very nice German gentleman online who resides in Germany but i live in italy. Actually it was like play as i winked him after some days he replied me by introducing himself and told me he is just curious to know me ,That he is more interested in Asians but after chatting with me on dating line for 4 hrs from his place of work., we exchange numbers and continue from whats app. i started developing feelings for him and we were so free and open minded to each other. he told me about his ordeals over his 19yrs of marriage and i did to him too. so the problem is that he gives me attentions tells me where and whatever he is doing. we exchanges pics via whatsaap . we met online on Monday then on Thursday and Friday he went shopping furniture for his new apartment. He told me before going and sent me pic to choose or advice him which i did. i asked him about all the dates he had he told me but said that since he met me he now finds out that sex is not only what he is looking for but the”chakra model” meaning combination of brains emotion and sexuality. But to my stupidity i kept telling him i want something serious other than one time sex ,he told me initially that he wants a companion not sex but you can know how stupid i am i kept telling him as if am desperate. so he said he enjoyed chatting with me that am a lovely and intelligent lady. he will prefer us to be friends now that he cannot promise what he cannot do. That he likes me and had a little feelings for me that he want to get clearer picture of everything. i told him i like him and cant be his friend if he doesn’t want to go further . He said i should keep his number and maybe anytime i want to talk to him as a friend. so i got annoyed and deleted his number and contact but after some hours i found out i have develop a deep sentiment for him so i talk to a white male friend of mine. he advised me to look for his contact and accept being his friend maybe with time everything will change and i have to go to germany by August then we can see . i went on site where we met i wrote him he replied me within a space of time. That he appreciate the fact that i accepted his friendship .i told him i will take all the risk to know and have him as a friend . He said but you should not break your heart. All these happen within some days and we have never met. it dawned on me that i have really messed up by being so forwarded so soon. Though we are in contact but dont know what to do .when we met online on monday he told me that he want to visit me immediately over the weekend it was me that insisted no he should wait till August when i will relocate their. please i need a candid advise ..

  16. P says:

    Hi chiccha, German men, especially after a certain age, are obsessed with “the one.” They are very intuitive (or at least think they are) and “know” if a woman is the one or not. That is, they seem to make quick decisions and they have extremely precise standards for what this “one” is like. You will not be able to persuade them otherwise. For one, you will reduce their faith in their decisions if they were to re-decide, based on getting to know you sooner.

    I think that they have a precise idea of what they want and are going to let a woman please their ego with their attention, maybe sleep with her (but maybe not, as they seem to really commit themselves to this looking for the one.) Sex would be limited to mutual masturbation or even less, uni directional. Meanwhile, they will take your attention and, as GIVING attention engages a woman, she will fall while he will not. I would say…a German gives his heart at once or never will. I would advise you not to let yourself be in this position. Yes, you fell for him, but I am sure you have been here before and you know eventually you must admit defeat. Seriously, wait until a guy says wow, I must have you, you make me feel like I want to be here. Otherwise they really like a woman draining themselves for them. They sit back and drink it all up. Not fair, but…

    Guys sadly date cause they are desperate for something physical But then they move on without having given of themselves. Get your own without giving your heart if you need that, but not with him. This sudden wanting to see you is probably a booty call.

    He wants Asians. He has said so. You will not fit his “the one” description. Sad but true. Men are 90% about the physical, no matter how smart and sensitive they are. In today’s world, they are only one more swipe away. One has to wait until a guy is entirely tired of the game.

    Sorry. We are all in the same boat! I would say I am wrong but this guy is giving the WRONG signals. It isn’t worth the investment. You will win the lottery first!

    Good luck! Sorry about the bad news…

    • chiccha says:

      Thanks Stephanie.
      I really appreciate the effort you did by replying me. Yesterday my german man chatted with me.After going through again in some mails here i woke up and decided to send him a message precisely a friendly flower and my best saxo music by Kenny G. He replied me with thanks and appreciation. During the afternoon I wasnt expecting his messages as he told me he will be with his family .So he sent me his family pic mum and his sisters. I replied by sending some of my family members to him too. So as he reached home later he chatted with me from 6pm till noon at night.he confided in me so many things about his family why he refuses making babies as a result his mother a altitude towards him after she remarried second time coupled with the fact that he never felt that his wife was actually meant for him to make babies. I saw it as an opportunity to console him told him my own little experience in life too. He asked me what i could do if he happens to have someone as a partner .i told him i will be jealousas human but can never changed his decision. I understand that he want to fly like beautifly for all these years he has been caged .That i will support him in his decidion but will always be a shoulder to cry on if he want.he was shocked later he confessed to me that he has about 3 contacts he met online that all these while he never believed that there are amazing women there. Then i turned the table around begin to advise him on what to do to keep those ladies .wasnt concern about myself again.he said who are you?mother Theresa?I said no will support you in your decision in as much as it pleased you. Then I asked him those three ladies are they aware that you are seeing each other ? He said firstly he has met 2 in real life that he tells the first almost everything but the second has alot of complication has kids always asking for money and he just want her for sex.I ask who is the 3 person ofcourse you though we have never met but he finds me so intelligent and we have similar charaterstis. That he respects me for the fact that am so much grounded and have empathy for others .That all these while he doesnt want to offend me by letting me know about other women . I told him it’s alright just take your time explore and then decide what you want to do with your life. He was so much relieved and said he has never discuss these issues with anyone before but only me .That it seems life can be easy with me. That it’s unbelievable That a lady is saying such. He said soon he s going to stop that online stufff toob many women if not he will not concentrate on what he is looking for. Later we discuss about the UEFA league cup between germany and Ukraine. He said now I know why he is running away am I comfortable with his decision. I said I will support him explore and make chioce. Thats it.

  17. P says:

    In my last comment I wrote @the one” because I was writing in English on a German keyboard. Could you please change this to “the one”? Thank you.

  18. P says:

    Hi chiccha,

    I am just one person here but, from my viewpoint, this 3 or 4 day “relationship” has no future. You have just told him to look around and that you will be there. You hope your loyalty will be repaid. In your experience, has your loyalty been repaid up until now? You live far away, and you are willing to buy a plane ticket and show up, if he has time for you in August. Would he want to be responsible for you here when you know his secrets and he is happy dating around? How will it grow while you are apart? You are a great place to “confess” as in church and then leave it there in the church/online.

    I know, he sent you photos of his family. That’s tough “evidence” to ignore. But come on, even if it is all true, he now “owes” you, sight unseen. You feel absolutely generous to a complete stranger–he might as well have landed with a boatload of new immigrants. You want to help him with his future.

    Well, you will be his social worker. Do you want an adult partner or do you want to do good volunteer work? I hear you building up this into something, but it sounds very familiar. Be your own social worker and be understanding to yourself. You should have dates here that are fun, without spending money on a plane ticket. You are dreaming. I don’t think you will wake up, but I think you are setting yourself up. Co Dependents Anonymous is a good group to check out, if you haven’t heard of it.

    I know I am really sounding like a tough person here, but, after 4 days, you should not be giving this person so much “understanding.” He is NOTgoing to fall in love with how understanding you are. That is like beauty, expected, and other women are also kind and lend an ear. You should be laughing, finding similarities, and not talking about problems. My opinion and I know it is not what you want to hear. You are giving way too much out for six hours of conversation and a few photos. Especially when there are at least two to three others who are dancing for him.

    Hold back on your emotional investment!! This is not love yet, or maybe even later. Aack…go out with some good girlfriends who aren’t dreamers and ask your mom, maybe?

    • chiccha says:

      Dear p.
      Thanks for pouring your heart out .sometimes we kept deft ear untill something opens our eyes. Meanwhile am not flying down there for his sake am just relocating finally in Germany. I think one of the reasons I wrote this online is to get peoples opinion like yours.I am greatful and actually am not putting my eggs in one basket funny enough i have alot of people who are on the same site asking me out for coffee while some are busy asking for sex directly lol . So when am there I look around to know how things work there.
      Thanks once again

  19. P says:

    Sure. Glad you were open without getting defensive. Good luck, stay flexible and sadly, remember that men are really used to hitting and running in dating app world. Best wishes!

  20. L.A. says:

    I’m an American woman (30) who recently met (2 weeks ago) a German man (31) while on vacation with my family. I was lying out by the pool and it took him awhile to talk to me because he thought my brother was my boyfriend (as he explained later). He was very kind, talkative, interested in getting to know me (no small talk), respectful and we had so much in common. He kept smiling, laughing and saying “wow I can’t believe how we think so much alike and we have so much in common, it’s unbelievable.” He offered to buy me a drink and lunch at the pool. We exchanged numbers (whatsapp) and he said “we must see each other tonight and hang out.” We hung out and we both had so much fun – – we actually ran into my family (brother, uncle and cousin) and he met them all (btw he wasn’t shy and he was actually happy to have met them, it was pretty cute). Later on in the night, as we were out enjoying drinks, music and talking he finally leaned in and kissed me. It was really passionate and I felt very comfortable with him. At the same time he was very respectful, not trying to do more than kiss me and hold my hand. After getting back to our hotel, we can into my family again and we all actually sat down and ate together.

    After we finished eating, we both said good night, he kissed me on the cheek and we went our separate ways. I was leaving the next morning and he said that he wanted to see me before I left. We saw each other while he and his friend were having breakfast, we chatted for a bit and we said bye. Before leaving he said he wanted to come visit me and he was going to try to visit before he went back to Germany.

    Also, he kept saying the day I left (wed) and the following day (thurs) how he was honestly sad I left and that he’s never met a woman like me. He said “I don’t know why, but you did something to me, you are really different, I’m usually cold with girls I first meet but you listen (just after one day) to me, I trust in you, and you are so cool, funny, cute and sexy.” He told me that his friend even joked and said “why didn’t you marry her?” I could tell he was really into me and I was into him. He mentioned that if we lived in the same country we’d definitely be together but unfortunately we don’t. Later that day I got a text showing me picture of flights, he was planning on visiting me for a day and a half before he went back to Germany (by plane it was only 1 hr away so he kept insisting that he come and see me). However, it was going to be very difficult for him due to work (he has his own business), futbol practice (he plays on a league) and the time difference (Germany is ahead 9 hrs to where I live). He asked me if “I wanted him to come?” and I said “Of course.” I was beyond happy and excited. We kept calling each other during the day and I heard in his voice that he was over the moon to come out and spend time with me (not exaggerating). Sadly, something happened with his credit card and he said he couldn’t pay for his ticket. He had it on reserve earlier that day but for some reason he couldn’t pay for it. I was disappointed of course, but what could I do? Nothing. He apologized the next morning and everything was fine.

    We’ve continued talking mainly through text, sending voice messages and a few times talking on the phone. I’m actually interested in this man but he lives half way around the world. He is different (that may sound cliché but it’s true). We have a lot in common- family life, values, career, sports, music, how we think and analyze things, the list goes on and on. He sends me voice messages a lot over whatsapp because he knows I like to hear his voice. On a daily basis, he texts me his “good morning” (my night), we usually talk about work, things that are happening around the world (especially the recent attacks in Germany), what we are both doing and that’s pretty much it. However, I noticed this past week he takes a while to respond to my texts (even though I know he’s on whatsapp because it tells you the last time he was on). I’ve made it very clear that he’s welcome to come visit me anytime but he hasn’t given me that reassurance that he definitely wants to come the way he was doing it last week (I know, I probably sound like a typical American woman with the whole “reassurance thing”). He was very lovey dovey through texts for the first week but I see it’s been getting less and less every day. Also, just recently he hasn’t texted me in the last 2 days. I know I’m over analyzing it but I can’t help but to feel a bit sad. Do I mention something to him without sounding needy? (If I do, how should I approach it?) Do I just sit back and let things happen organically? I’d really appreciate some feedback.

    • chocochic says:

      Hmm seems like I’m in a similar situation as you! I hope someone can give us advices on this haha.
      I met a German guy(27) through an app while I(23) was in Germany, he works in Switzerland. We would chat alot (sometimes I would forget to reply, sometimes he would) and that continued for a month and a half. I had an opportunity to visit him in Switzerland for two days so I booked a bus ticket and we decided to hang out together from Friday evening. Things went really well, he bought dinner worth 200 euro(he earns alot so i guess price didnt matter to him.. Whereas to me it did) and then we went street partying and ended up kissing for 4hours and then he walked with me all the way to my hostel and decided to see each other again the next day. So saturday I spent the whole day with him, he suggested not taking the bus back home so I cancelled it and took the other one on Sunday morning so saturday evening i stayed at his place, making out but no sex. But he admitted that he never fell so quickly for someone like this before and we both verbally said that we liked each other alot. And he said that he would come to my residing city in Germany on the end of the month because he had work anyways. And then I went back to Germany.
      After that we messaged everyday, he went to asia to travel for two weeks holiday and we would write when possible..which was almost everyday.. He would also ask when we can meet again before I leave Germany to go back to my home country and I was like ‘well you’re coming to Munich at the end of the month! Right?’ And he was like yes yes I will.
      Turns out, his work schedule changed and he had to go to another city in Germany instead of Munich where I reside, but he still managed to come all the way from Friday afternoon till Sunday morning. He left his workplace on friday early for me.. Booked a hotel for his stay but I was also allowed to have breakfast and use the lounge etc.. So i stayed with him during the weekend ahaha and no sex again because I had my periods, just alot of kissing and dry humping ahaha
      But he was so well mannered, educated, he pays for everything, i bought him drinks once 🙁 but I regret not paying more.. Maybe I should have.. But he said that I’m a student so I shouldn’t..
      Anyways I left Europe, now back to my home country and he said he will visit in November but nothing is sure.. And we do text everyday but I dont know if its because of the time difference or if it is because of his text style but I only hear from him once a day, maybe 3-5messages on whatsapp, very short and just informative ahaha and I dont know what I have to do because the text is not enough for me.. I like him alot but I dont know what is in his mind.. Was I just for fun, did he come all the way for sex or smth (he would never be flirty through text! I tried to do it a few times but I only get hahas and nothing else ahaha so no sex topics on whatsapp with him) and I’m just super puzzled with his actions.. What is this?? I’m not his girlfriend but also not dating him or what the hell is thisssss

  21. Andrea Malabanan says:

    I met a German guy online, this website is for people who learn the German language. He messaged me first then added me on skype. Then at first he seems to be so eager to know me. He asks how many sibling I do have then what’s my job then what’s my plan for the future then if I have a certain plan. He also told me about his siblings and some other stuff. Those things happened for two days only. On the first day we had video chat, then wow omg he was so handsome. His smile is so charming, but he looks so tough. He seemed to be comfortable talking to me. Then he taught me some vocab in German before we bid goodbye (because I said my mom needs me downstairs and he said why, it’s late now right). Then when I saw my profile on that website where we met I saw that he unfriended me. Then on the second day, I chatted him first then he replied and asked me about my plans in the future and how long have I been single. I told him wow what a random question. Then he said it’s a well-thought of question, nothing happens accidentally with me. I then asked him why do you ask? THen he said why do I ask what? For me to get to know you more.. All that stuff, my comment is getting so long now. Then now, I just chat him earlier I said sorry for disturbing you today then I asked him to translate something for me in German. Then he said Hi Andera (which is annoying because he misspelled my name for the second time), you’re never disturbing me. It’s like he’s not interested with me anymore. He just said bitte and never asked ff up questions. I like him but he broke my heart :'( Huhu he is super duper cute but he seems like he’s talking to other girls.

  22. Jess says:

    I’ve been “dating” this German guy for a few months now and am very confused by his behavior. We both got along really great and he would do little things like put his hand on my back and turn to look at me and smile for no reason, but he would never kiss me, hold hands or anything like that. I know that German men tend to be a little more slow when it comes to that kind of stuff, so I wasn’t pushy or anything, especially since we would always have so much fun together. He would continuously ask me to do things and would remember literally everything I’d tell him about myself and my life and always seemed curious to know more. And he would always want to pay for everything. The only thing he’s ever let me pay for was a hot dog for him when he took me to a football (soccer) game. Then on our 9th or 10th date, he took me up to the rooftop of his apartment to stare at the stars. I was thinking it was all very romantic and he was finally going to kiss me. Well then he proceeds to tell me he really (emphasis on really) likes to hang out with me and he thinks I’m attractive but doesn’t really feel as if there’s chemistry between us. It came so out of the blue that I just told him I was fine with being friends. Then when it came time for me to go home he says “are you going to be alright getting home? Because you can stay and sleep in my bed.” Which totally threw me off considering he’d never even kissed me. When he hugged me goodbye he lingered in a way he hadn’t before. The next time we got together he asked me if I was dating anyone because he admitted to looking at my dating profile and saw I had put up a new photo. When I told him I hadn’t, he then told me that he deleted his profile which on one of our earlier dates he’d said he’d had for over two years. Then for the whole rest of the date he would continue with the small touches on my back and at one point put his arm around me. Toward the end of the night, he kept trying to prolong our outing by suggesting we stop at different places for a drink. Then a few days later he left for Germany to visit his family and texted me while he was there. I sent him a text back and have received no reply. I’m extremely confused by his behavior and am not sure if it’s a German guy thing or just a guy thing.

  23. Mia says:

    Omg.. This is hilarious. I can relate in some of the stories. I met a guy in an app and we exchanged number (whatsapp) so we’ve been chatting for a month now. We decided to meet in person but it took a while because of our busy scheds. But when i met him, he was really nice, he paid the bill tho i offered to split it. He was gentleman,cute and intelligent l. We had a nice convesation tho it was a quick one because i have to work in the afternoon. Then he told me that he is looking forward in meeting me again. He travelled often and when he was back which was last week, he asked me out again. We met over lunch and of course i expect that he’d allow me to pay as we are both earning well but he insist to pay. I feel good when im with him because he is such a gentleman. The kind of guy who would rush to held the door open for you. (Coz i walk fast). On our most recent lunch, he would put some food on my played which made me feel good. He told just the other night that he would love to cook for me one of these days. I think its funny because tho i know that he made an effort to see me but i cant jump into a conclusion if he likes ne or what or maybe just expanding his circle of friends are we are both expat in this country. So i guess i will just go with the flow. He told me after our most recent lunch that he is looking forward in seeing me again but he hasn’t set up a date yet. So im not sure if i should ask him or what.. he never fails to drop a message per day. And i would reply buy we don’t really chat long. I am glad to have found this link and get some ideas about a German man.

  24. Penelope says:

    Hi
    Can anyone help?
    I met my German online and we’ve been together a year and a half. We moved in together 4 months ago and things are good on the surface but I often feel like something is missing?
    I’m a big talker and he’s typically reserved. He has a quieter personality but he fits most of the criteria mentioned in this article too.
    We have a good relationship/friendship and he treats me like a Queen, but our relationship is not without its up and downs.
    One of the biggest problems (I feel) is he doesn’t verbally communicate some of the more important things to me and I feel like my intuition (which is usually very good) is completely off with him.
    The sex has been good but not as frequent as it could be. I told him it would help if we could verbally communicate more, as I think that is good relationship etiquette but I also think mental stimulation is a turn on for me; but he didn’t get it. Explaining that he didn’t ever have to ‘talk’ with his previous partners who were all fiery confident Portuguese women.
    It made me feel like we just didn’t get each other. (I’m British by the way).
    Things hit a low point when he turned up late for a family dinner recently as he had to work late.
    He didn’t tell me he was going to be late and I thought that was rude of him.
    He was hardly apologetic and was so tired, he made less of an effort talking to my family. (Who are really important to me…especially if we were to have a future together).
    Again it started to bother me he was so quiet.
    I know it’s his way and we are totally opposite personalities but do I cut my losses with a wonderful boyfriend (who is such a good man in so many other ways) or do I suck it up and start coaching him on how to communicate better?
    He’s such a good guy I know if I let him go I would probably regret it.
    Any advice out there?

  25. Benny says:

    I had to smile when I read Your discription about Ger-Men! I am one of these exotic animals. But indeed there are points which You discribe very good 😉 They are true. Don’t give up – we even can be lovely!!
    🙂 Benny from Potsdam, Germany

  26. CHRISTINE says:

    It’s great to find this posting and interesting to read.
    My first encounter with seeing a German dude. Met him via timder , he was here in the city for 3 weeks for work. We met up for dinner. We split the bill which was cool for me given we just met on tinder. He complimented me. He was pretty charming and authentic as well as handsome. He didn’t really give me any indication he was into me in any way. We had drinks I stayed over and then left the next morning. It felt quite natural . He got busy I got busy and we had random late night messages. He was not one to talk about sex, he was enthusiastic that we have had good conversations about all sorts of topics. We met up for a quick lunch as we couldn’t get our schedules to work , I ended up coming late to his hotel and stayed over. Not something I would normally do given he was essentially a stranger. He was very about schedules which I put down to him being here for work. He was cute cos there was a boyish charm about him from asking me about what Color he should wear .. He invited me to have drinks at the hotel he was at with his colleagues. I passed as I was super tired and didn’t feel like hanging out. He went back to Germany – we talked and he invited me to see his beautiful city. I have just come back and it was an interesting time.

    I stayed with him during that time – a week. I was concerned I would be in his way and wanted to starless bit he was insistent.

    Now I wonder what next.

    During that time I wasn’t sure if his lack of affection meant what? I needed attention – a kiss a hug , touch.. It’s natural for me when I am with someone. And it definately not natural to him. He is a very warm person with an extremely good heart. But touch is not something that comes naturally. Chivalrous and a gentleman in every other way. He went out of his way to cook for me everyday but yet night times were odd.i was starting to feel rejected or he just decided he wasn’t into me anymore…he definately had his own rhythm and I didn’t want to invade that either.

    When it was time for me to leave he took me to the airport and invited me back anytime whether he was there or not to stay at his place.

    I have hardly heard from him. He comments on my social media but cannot seem to have a convo longer than hello.

    He’s indeed a good person and we have a connection but given the current behaviour and we live in different continents, and if German make behaviours are as what I have read. What’s my next step if any?

    Harsh but I think the honeymoon is over

    • Nicole says:

      any guy would try to communicate with us in any way they could IF they’re interested in us. i met a German guy online 6 years ago and i just went MIA. despite of the six years of my missing, he still make his effort to look for me, by sending an email asking about how i’m doing. i guess this is the point where i should be repaying him, by not letting him go again. in your case, you should make your move to ask him, if he likes you. i know it sounds desperate, but German guy would really love our outspokenness.

  27. Nicole says:

    i met a German guy (he is 32 and im 28) online 6 years ago. we chatted twice or maybe more, but we both ended up going separate ways (because i backed away, thinking it was impossible to be together because we are so far apart like 6 hours away). then last July, i received an email from him. he was asking about my current life and we exchanged number so we can chat via Whatsapp. everything went pretty good and we started to get comfortable with each other like we used to be 6 years ago. i really like him from the beginning, but i’m too afraid to tell, because we never met and to fall in love with someone you never meet, would be weird. he really likes to share about his life especially job, daily basis and his new house (still under renovation). i really don’t know if he likes me at this point, until he includes me in his future. he would talk about ‘our house’ instead of ‘my house’. he even talked about having kids with me. so, recently, we talked about our plan to see each other and he intend to visit my hometown next year for two weeks. at this point, i am really sure that he is really serious about this relationship. i have to admit that, it’s really confusing sometimes because i always have to read his mind and picking hints. so girls, make your move if you really like them, or else they would think that you don’t like them and feeling rejected would be the worst thing. it would cause no harm if you just tell them you like them. if they give you some sort of ‘i want us to be just friend’ hint, then you know you have to move on. don’t waste your time because they’re really firm to their decision.

  28. Chloe says:

    Your post is very interesting and informative, thank you! I need some insights/help from fellow readers please.

    I have been talking to a German guy for almost two months and we finally went out. Things were going very well and we met every week consistently for three weeks and he expressed his interest for me throughout. He also actively texted me his location when he was traveling out of town for work. However we are not big fan of texting so we don’t exchange texts every other minute but would text everyday just to say our greetings. I like him a lot as he is always genuine and kind. But after the third date (after he tried to crack a really dry joke to inform me that he is back in town and I replied with sarcasm because he unknowingly offended me), he stopped texting me actively.

    So I decided to text him first for the first time to ask when he wanted to hang out again. He gave me a smiley when he received my text but told me he was busy over the weekend. He did explain in detail (who bothers to explain in detail if they are not interested?) what exactly he was busy with eg “so sorry *inserts my name, I needed the whole day to clean up my room and do etc”, I found his replies to be sincere but however not sure if that is because he was just being polite in rejection because he did not exactly replied to my question about when he was free to hang out again. The female hormonal side of me also thinks that something is wrong since he doesn’t text his goodnights to me anymore haha!
    I would really appreciate any form of insights from fellow readers. Thank you!

  29. Kristina says:

    I have a German Boyfriend and I am a Filipina. I.met him through dating site. At first I was hesitant since he was so cold and boring but he is such an honest guy. Until we finally decided to meet each other. And I was so surprised he is sooo sweet and loving. Oh! I couldn’t ask for more.. For 21 days that we were together we spent most of the time in our room than strolling around but both of us love beach and diving. Now, he is back to Germany and looking forward to be with him again on April. I miss him badly..

  30. Sharon says:

    I writing to get some advice about a German man I met online.We have been chatting going on three months.The picture he had on his profile showed that he was an handsome 49 year old.Im a retired 53 year old woman from the United States.He says he currently lives in the states as well but it’s a day and 9 hour trip between so neither of us has made the trip to see one another nor have we video chatted yet. I ve had one other long distance relationship when I was 17 and it was with a boy in the navy.We wrote for two years sometimes 3 times a week, but this is the hardest long distance relationship because for one,i haven’t dated,kissed or been intimate with a man in 14 years.The reasons are I was having some health issues,two I started raising two of my grandchildren and three,i just felt like I needed to find out what i needed in a man and it wasn’t abuse so I took time to heal my mind spiritually and my heart emotionally.
    I will call my German man,Andy to protect his privacy.We broke up a day before New Years Eve,bad timing right?..What a way to start off the New Year!!!..it wasn’t planned but I notice he was acting distant because his brother was down he said,but he had promish to call me Christmas but he didn’t because of his brother and I was now thinking he wasn’t going to keep his word for New Years either.
    He did ask me if he sent me a plane ticket ,would I fly to his state and spend the new year with him.I told him I couldn’t for the this main reason,I haven’t actually seen him face to face..a picture is not proof if someone is real or not and I had already been hurt twice before him by scammers,so needless to say I have trust issues,but apparently he does too or he would do a phone chat or video chat.
    Let me back up to the time period before we broke up,our attraction to each other quickly turned into friendship and before a month was up,he had already told me he had feelings for me and the feeling was mutual..we chatted everyday..so I fell in love with his personality as he did with mine,we had a couple of issues that we ironed out,but nothing uncommon for two people from two different cultures as well as any normal relationship that just started out..I’m sure we will have other issues if we stay together because there are no perfect relationships nor perfect people.We shared alot of personal aspects of our life during these two months,except where he worked but he told me how much he made and how many children we each had,etc..but I noticed each time while trying to get information from him about his family or job,it was like pulling nails,he would answer some questions and be evasive on others.He rarely ask me anything too personal but when he did,i promptly answered him.
    One thing I did notice was he is very laid back,easy going,had a sense of humor,and well mannered.
    Where I am the more curious one,i want to know everything and I tend to want my way more but I didn’t feel asking for a video chat was a big issue,a and my family wasn’t giving hell over him,sayibg he’s fake!..He’s fake!..I didn’t feel that in my heart,yes I realize he was refusing a video chat but he said the phone he was using was a business phone,and until he bought another phone,i just needed to go with the flow.I thought I had raised my children not to judge others but apparently they either think they looking out for my best interest or I have put them first and foremost in my life so long,they don’t want to share me but I’m a grown woman with common sense and desires and dreams.
    Getting back to Andre,after we broke up over my family wanting to see proof,i told him I wouldn’t bother him again because in reality,what they were asking for wasn’t unreasonable..afterall his income should allow him to buy a economy easy smartphone so why was he taking so long??.anyways,i cried for two days straight and on new year’s day,i sent him a text wishing him the best for 2017 and he the same to me.I waited the whole day,woke up the next day..silence…not another word from him..I finally just said I was going to be just as stubborn as he is..and just prayed about it.
    Finally out of nowhere he texts me,

  31. Sharon says:

    I wanted to add,i love Andre and he loves me.I don’t want to lose him because of cultural differences.I adore his boyish charm and sensuality .He wants me to just go with the flow,nit rush things so I don’t want to come across dominant or controlling..because I’m not.
    I want to be submissive to him,but i also want a partnership with him..even marriage and we talk about that as well.

    • Elsa says:

      Very interesting story, I wish the best for you two.
      I would suggest that you go for a trip to the state where he leaves ( or nearby ) to relax and have a time for yourself, then when you feel comfortable enough you meet him.
      Or if you don’t trust him enough you wait until he buys a phone or he comes to see you.
      Good luck.

  32. VICKI says:

    I JUST MET A GERMAN GUY ON FB. HE BEFRIENDED ME OUT OF NO WHERE. AS SOON AS I ACCEPTED HIS REQUEST HE BEGAN TO MESSAGE ME. HE IS VERY NICE A VERY GOOD LOOKING. BUT WITHIN A FEW MESSAGES AND WITHIN 24 HOURS TIME HE WAS TELLING ME HE LOVED ME, HE LOVED ME, HE WAS IN CATASTROPHICALLY IN LOVE WITH ME!!! I ASKED HIM HOW THAT COULD BE SO AS HE HAD NEVER MET ME OR EVEN SPOKE TO ME AND ONLY FRIENDED ME 24 HOURS AGO!! HE SAID HE KNEW BY TALKING TO ME AND IM SURE BY MY PAGE ALSO THAT I WAS “THE ONE” FOR HIM. I STILL PERSUED TO TELL HIM THAT I THOUGHT HE LOVED THE PERSON I SAW ME TO BE BUT NO WAY COULD HE LOVE ME. HE CALLED THRU FB MESSENGER BUT ONLY SPOKE FOR A BRIEF MOMENT. THE NEXT DAY I WOKE UP TO MORE MESSGAES OF HOW ALL HE THINKS ABOUT IS ME AND HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME!! IS THIS A FAKE PROFILE? ARE COULD HE BE TRUE? HE SOUNDS LIKE MY DREAM HUSBAND BUT IDK ABOUT THIS CRAZY LOVE SO FAST. ANY INPUT WOULD HELP!! THANKS

  33. Nettie Lovejoy says:

    I just want to say that was a whole lot of reading in one sitting..
    Thankyou all for sharing so much…it has definitely taught me a lot..in how to understand the german man..
    Nettie

  34. Abby says:

    I’m so glad I found this site. Well, I’m an Asian girl who knew a Germany man from online app. He gave me his number and we already chat on whatsapp for one month. He said that he likes me and he said he wants to show my photo to his mom soon, he also said that I’m cute and sweet and he admires me. But the problem is he never texted me first, it’s like I’m the one who always start to text him. I’m so confused, if I keep texting first, am I annoying him or bothering him? Is he shy or something? I just wonder if he really in to me or not. I don’t want put my expectations too high. We are in a really big gap of time difference. It’s 6 hours and we never meet each other yet.

  35. Pru says:

    I’ve been chatting to a German guy I met online about two weeks ago. We had drinks, later that week I spent the night. It was cool, he seems sweet. He’s in South Africa for work and will be leaving in two months. The problem is, I want to see him more often and for the last few I’ve been feeling a bit sad, he knows that but there’s nothing we can do about it. He’s making a film. He has no free time. I like him so much. He’s a lot older than I am (A 26 year age gap) but we get along so well. Interacting via text just isn’t the same, I’ve become insecure that he’s losing interest in me or that he might have a wife or girlfriend back home. I’ve spoken to him about that, he said he’s single but yeah… I’m pretty bummed out. I haven’t met someone I like this much in years and even though he won’t be around much longer, I hoped we could spend the next two months together.

  36. Jaylee says:

    They are too complicated & they always think they are right & want things done their way.
    It’s energy draining & stressful to be involved with a German.

  37. Prudence says:

    I am an American woman and I have met a German man on a date site, we have been texting on and off throughout everyday. He said he wants to spend all of his life with me through all eternity. I too have very deep feelings for him. He asked me to get a bank account in my name so he could fund it so I could buy things and could pay things he needed done here in America until he got back here. He has spoken of us getting a home together and being married. I want to trust him fully but am a little sceptical as to what to think, can somebody please give me some insight as to what is happening.

    • IGetYouBae says:

      Prudence, from an outsider, that doesn’t sounds like a good idea at all. Have you met the guy? Are you in a physical relationship, or just digital? I believe bank accounts should be nowhere in the conversation until you are at least in a committed relationship where you feel comfortable. The fact that you are posting here means you have suspicions, and that should be a sign. Just be honest, you need time to know a stranger before you are opening bank accounts for each other!

  38. Belle says:

    No one can understand German typically . I’m dating German for 4 years and I really don’t know who he is. Hence, he did proposed me after years and half dating, well that was bloody long years of engagement!
    Indeed he was a good man and never cheat me. But I feel so miserable because he don’t talk much , he is vegan and practice meditation, count everything he spending. Being an Asian is totally different world for me , I’m fun and he not. Maybe German woman so strong so they don’t get use of with Asian which so feminin and gentle.
    He criticised my interest, even I tried to make my self look good for him he told me no one want to see it. Christ ! That was slam straight on my face. I even need to tell him please pull the chair for me or door . This is simple thing to do to show how gentleman you are. So many arguement. Even he is kinda forcing me to learn the German language in a years, when he know this is not easy for me.Seriously now.
    He even ask me to go to work when I’m staying in Germany. Wow I am so impressed how German treat a woman .like I was a Maschine to him not human being. Of course I will go and help to build the financial but don’t have to tell me straight forward. Even my local man will never do this.
    He is second German I’m dating and both of them is the same . So cold and insensitive.
    I do get my self stressed a lot and after a long years I just couldn’t take it anymore and I’m leaving for good. I try my best to give and take but at the end I realise how not happy I am , it’s better to off alone than making a big mistake.

  39. Kananelo says:

    what an article 🙂 started “dating” (i would like to assume an amazing German man who I’ve been trying really hard to understand. This really came in handy!

  40. IGetYouBae says:

    Just want to say it’s been both enlightening, funny, and strangely comforting reading thru this entire post and comments. I am chatting with a guy, but I’m gonna try to reign in the hormones. A lot of the times I think it’s not just a German thing, rather a man thing. Don’t jump in so fast..take your time! Give a little, but don’t let your suspicions trip you up. If you are googling too much, something’s not right and that’s ok. In the end hold on to the fact that yes, it might not go the way we want, we will all move on. Also, try not to fall in love before meeting the guy…remind yourself he’s a stranger!

  41. Chizzy says:

    Hey. Help me understand this guy please! I met my German friend online, Facebook to be precise and that was 3 months ago. Since then we’ve been chatting on whatsapp, he has never tried calling me although he has suggested twice that we Skype but it never works out. Once we didn’t chat for almost a week! I missed him terribly and hoped he’d chat me up but he didn’t, I later did and complained, he apologised and said it was work and promised not to ignore me in that manner again and he hasn’t failed. He’s asking me to come and visit him in Germany, I agreed though but at first, I told him I’ll just like to get to know him better before visiting. By the way, I’m Nigerian and I stay in Nigeria too but i speak German because that was my course of study in the university. Just yesterday, he said he’d like me to get to know his friends, does this mean anything? Although I’m totally fine with it. All I want to know now is, what plans do you think he has? He tells me I’m beautiful and stuff, he’s cool, cracks jokes sometimes, I like him although he’s way older! I feel he’s not giving me much attention, I’m sorry but Nigerian girls love attention a lot. I have never dated outside my tribe not to talk of outside my race, so I really don’t know how to go about this, and I don’t know if he has ever been in a relationship with a black either. I just want to understand him, that’s what brought me here, do you think we’ll get to understand eachother? If he were Nigerian, of course I’ll know how to go about it but he’s German and this is totally new to me!

  42. Schokolade says:

    I’m very intrigued by everyone’s experiences with Ger-Men as well as this article. I’m a black South African who just moved back home after a decade of my life in Florida, USA.

    I met my Ger-man on Tinder 3weeks a go and he immediately pointed out that he is just curious and doesn’t think he would meet a life long partner online because it’s full of fakes. On day two of Tinder chat we exchanged numbers and graduated to whatsapp. Within that first week we video called. We have been exchanging text, pics, vids, and voice notes EVERY SINGLE DAY through out the day and video or voice call EVERY SINGLE NIGHT in our individual beds (pretending to be next to each other) for 45 min to an hour, with the exception of 15 min on Easter Suturday night because all his family was there. He is a sweetheart and tells me daily how good and fantastic I am, how my eyes and my smile warm his heart. He doesn’t speak very good English so we rely on Google translate. He told me that I have a special place in his heart and that he loves his coffee like he loves me; black, hot and sweet. Then he went on saying “I love it, the coffee and the woman” I suggested I would like to visit “Ger-man-y” in the summer and he said the summer is too far, he’d prefer much sooner! (why HE never brought it up? Beats me) Unfortunately that wouldn’t work for me so he is now, as we speak shopping around for flights and accommodation while waiting for his passport to be issued. He has only ever flown once in his life to Rome where he didn’t require a passport. He’s willing to fly half way across the world to South Africa just for the weekend because he cannot wait for the summer vacation to see me because “we need to know each other personally” he says. We exchange LOTS of hugs, cuddles and kisses every chancewe get but never has he brought up or even hinted sex. I eagerly anticipate our meeting! Ok German experts, please help. Do I got myself a man or what? 😀

  43. Schokolade says:

    In addition: This is someone who grew up in and never left Thuringia (East-Central Germany) He grew up surrounded by the Soviet Union and they were denied travel until the early 90’s. He has never been with let alone met a black person so could I be just a fetish? Black girl with exotic features? I really don’t know because there are quiet a lot of interracial marriages (German and African) here in South Africa and Lesotho. But i haven’t a clue which part of Germany they come from nor am I much educated on the differences other than this article.

  44. Happy jackson says:

    Hi everyone.

    Wow, sandy you have made me read something that’s similar to me and feel like maybe all German men are same. I met my German man online dating and after two weeks talking we decided to meet. At first I was afraid to meet him because I always have fear of rejection. But in the end I thought we should meet, he was very caring and looked at me in a way no man has ever looked at me. I am African and he is white and he didn’t care all that. After the date he wanted us to meet again and again and later invited me to his place and was such a gentleman to not force anything. We made love and he invited me to go on a trip with him for four days because it was public holidays, we went away together and all the way he carried my bags and his and still did everything for me. He asked me to order first, he opened doors for me, he taught me to use a fork and a nife at the table( because it’s not in my tradition to do so) he didn’t judge me when I did something wrong that I didn’t know but yet he taught me how to do it right. I would definitely love to spend the rest of my life with sven because he sees me for who I am and I am in love with him that I want to spend the rest of mylife with him.

  45. Asian shy cat says:

    I’m Asian and I met a German guy on the Internet. We’re both student. At the first time we meet, just walk around, when I said I want to loose weight, he lifted me up and said that I dont need to loose any weight. I was very shy because of that. When we say goodbye to go home, he gave me a hug but I was a little bit afraid because in my culture, people don’t do that. He said that he will respect that, I don’t need to hug him. Second time he invited me to his flat but I refuse, again, I dont feel safe to go to men’s place after first time we meet. Then he ask me he wonder, Asian dont kiss and dont hug, how can they be couple and ask me how many time we need to meet before I can come to his flat for watching film together. I said only watching film is ok. Then I came and we only talk and watch a film, ate some cake. Yesterday, he invited me to his place, he make some cake and offer me to try. I came and I also cook Asian food for him. He likes the food and we enjoy the time, telling some jokes and walk around.
    I can say I like him but his actions cause me confusion. He didn’t send me any message after I go home. He rarely texts me in weekdays, only at weekend. And I never know if he will text me this weekend or not. I like him but I don’t know how to develop the relation and don’t know if he likes me or not. 🙁

  46. Rocio says:

    Wow. This was really helpful for me. I am a latina and for me it is even harder with the german I am dating. We met about a year ago in a trip to an island in the caribbean. We were next to each other in the hammocks for about 5 to 6 hours before we start talking. I wasn’t expecting to met someone at all. We spend together the 3 days I went to this island and then we agree to meet again in Cancun before each of us depart to our countries. I have visited him for two weeks then he came to my country for 3 weeks. But yeah, he is sweet in actions but no words. We get along realm well. His family knows about me but I hadn’t met them yet. I am invited for Christmas and for me it is so weird because in Latin America those serious things. I mean my family barely knows about him, he met my mom as a friend. So for me it is hard to understand his intentions or feelings. And once I even thought he didn’t like me at all because he is not as sweet as I think he should. But know that I read this… He might be sweet in his own way. I am very straight forward and told him that I know he doesn’t like me and he corrected me saying he does. He talks with his friends about me in front of me, like video chat to introduce me to people that don’t even speak good English. I even talk with his older sister once through his WhatsApp, she wrote me a we talk for 10 minutes maybe. But signs are still very confusing. Sometimes I think I should quit. Mostly because I feel insecure he might not feel anything serious for me. He said jokingly I love you in front of his friends (but really joking… Like I asked if he was going to buy the new iPhone and he said ‘are you gonna buy me the new iphone? Oh thank you, I love you” I don’t really pay attention to that but everything is confusing with him because of the different cultures. Once he said hug me in German (I guess he thought he said it in English because I don’t understand German) I didn’t do it because I didn’t understand but he pulled my hands around him. We used to kiss more and passionate but that always ended up in more. For some reason now he only shared little kisses the last time (like when you say hi to a boyfriend) because if we kiss to passionate it all ends too passionate. But he did this. I don’t understand. I have decided to take things slow. We video chat at least twice a week because the difference of our schedules and he works a lot. Ah! And he used to had dating sites in his phone (not now because the phone was stolen) but he never deleted them. He told me he doesn’t use them anymore because of me but he didn’t delete them (I didn’t ask of course). His german friends (the cupid ones) told me he never talks about girls (he is 33) but they think he might like me seriously because he talks about me. He paid for a lot when I went to his country. In my country we paid 50%-50% with some dinners that he invited. All this time he might have holder my hand 3 times and I have got a bit passive aggressive a couple times because they is no more sweetness but then he carried my backpack when I was tired while trekking, do what I want (we went to see the beauty and the best haha). I do what he wants too… I guess that is why we don’t fight at all but I can’t tell about his feelings or he is just hanging out and that’s all. He doesn’t share feelings, worries, so I don’t know how to help. He doesn’t like his actual job but that is all he says. So I try to ask if he talk with his boss about the position he want or ask him what he wants, so I can help him somehow. I guess only the future will tell but thanks for the article…

  47. Wow,nice one.
    I have a boyfriend from Germany but am in Nigeria
    It been cool tho ,just wanted to know more about German guys,thanks.nice article .

  48. Rachel says:

    Thank you for the insights. Very useful indeed. My german man is 24 years younger than me. We met through a mutual friend when I was on vacation to a Caribbean island. He is good looking and smart. We are both doctors. He per sued me for three days before I could no longer resist him. We had a great time together. For the following 9 days we were glued together. We made love every night except for one night when he had to prepare for an important phone call. Initially we were restrained in public but after 3 days we were carefree hugging and kissing in public and everywhere. He referred to his bedroom as “our bedroom” . Initially I treated the encounter as an affair but on my Last day I had tears in my eyes, I knew I loved him. Apparently, he cried too and felt sad to see me go. We agreed to stay in touch and meet again. The problem..he is very reserved…little or no verbal or written communication. Immediately after I left, he wrote beautiful short notes,expressing his love, adoration and how badly he missed me. He was planing to surprise me with a visit but didn’t come. He still writes almost every day and sends kisses and love and is telling me he is missing me. Today, at last after repeated requests and two months of separation, we spoke on the phone. Our conversation lasted 45 minutes, remarkable for someone who does not like phones. He expressed a deep interest in me my daily life and religion. He was interested in the color of the dress I will wear to my son’s wedding etc…the quality of time spent in a medical conference…
    I asked him to come in the summer for a visit…he said he will try…I asked him to plan to be here….he argued I should not pressure him. I noticed he does not like to be told….I feel he is in love with me but is fearful of something. He wants us to be together but is not sure how to go about it. He displays many of the attributes of german men described above but seems to try hard to win me. When I suggested cooling off my love for him he begged me not to….”we must take as it is ” his comment was . I love him more and more everyday but find long distance relationship to be very painful and more so when communication is very minimal. I am respectful of his dislike of social media and phones and keep communication to a minimum. Today he suggested i could come to Germany if I wish too. I am Confused…not sure what to feel or think about our relationship. One more thing there is another woman whom he dated for 7 years, another long distance situation. It the relationship died 2 years ago but he is slowly realizing or not ready to admit it.

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